the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
