good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
