i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
