someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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