imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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