We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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