I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
