onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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