Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
