and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
