Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
