I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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