It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
