Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
