Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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