so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
