why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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