Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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