Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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