he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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