I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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