you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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