does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You smell like stripper and shame
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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