I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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