i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
