I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
