you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
