It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
