I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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