I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
