I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
