My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
