It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
