I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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