we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The adults are the big ones right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
