So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
