I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
