I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
