Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
