My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
