Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
