tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
