We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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