its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
