Who did Billy Mays play for?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
