Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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