Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
