pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
