the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
