He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
