you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
