she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
