Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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