Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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