There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
