i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
