I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
